Polyp continued: and the RE says…

It hasn’t even been 3 hours since I’ve had the saline sonogram and I already got a call from my RE! I have been very unimpressed with him in the past, but after the past few consultations I’ve had with him, I am liking this guy more and more. I still have to probe him for his recommendation, which is an annoying trait for a specialized doctor, but he does give it up in the end.

His thoughts on my polyp were:

• it’s very small – it measures 7×3mm and it’s only really considered to be a factor if it’s above 1cm
• it is definitely not the cause of my infertility (perhaps a minor contribution)
• removing it is optional because he’s seen lots of women with larger polyps get pregnant
• women who have polyps tend to get polyps over and over again so even if we remove this one I may get another

His overall recommendation:

If you’re moving forward with IVF, it’s a minor procedure so lets just take it out to optimize your chances of success.

The good news is that I can schedule the hysteroscopy for within the first 10 days of my next cycle and he said it should not delay the IVF path that we are on! Day 1 of my next cycle, I should take my BCP as prescribed along with 10 days of antibiotics, do the hysteroscopy and the show goes on!

Feeling much better about the whole thing.

(image as seen on Dimeda)

Polyp

During my first medicated Clomid cycle, at the CD11 ultrasound, the doctor saw a 5mm polyp. At the time, he said that anything under 1cm was not really significant and therefore not worth removing. Since then no one has mentioned ever seeing it again so I was hoping it went away on its own. Well it popped up again during the saline sonogram today. It measured 7mm at the longest end so it’s still what the doctors would consider “very small” but the doctor who conducted my sonogram told me that she would recommend getting it removed via hysteroscopy. If you’re gonna spend the time and effort doing IVF, you might as well try to go into it in as good of shape as possible, right? So this is likely going to delay the starting of my IVF cycle and it’ll probably also make me have to take some time off work (on a new job!!! yikes) so not really happy about that, but I’ll do whatever the doctor tells me to do because I’m too tired to try and come up with my own ideas. On a positive note, I did not have Ashermans syndrome, fibroids or any other issues. Lets get rid of this polyp already.

Preparation for IVF but…

(image as seen on Declutter Your House)

IVF information session: Check.

Saline Sonogram on uterus: this Thursday.

Blood test for diseases (me): later this week.

Husband’s SA for morphology: later this week.

Antibiotics and BCPs for IVF cycle: coordinator will call in prescription tomorrow.

I’m hoping by the end of the week, we’ll be done with the remainder of our check list. The IVF coordinator called me today and said that assuming my saline sonogram comes out ok, I will get my protocol soon and go on birth control pills for a few weeks and antibiotics for 10 days before I start stims. That means I could be starting the process as early as August which is cool, I guess. On the other hand, at one of my first ultrasounds, I was told that I had a polyp in my uterus that was around 5mm – so very small. The RE had said at the time that this was not a big issue so I’m just hoping that it has stayed very small and isn’t bigger than we think it is.

Things have been a little tough with my husband lately. I feel very disconnected from him. Part of it is that I am feeling disconnected from everyone in my life just because I’ve been depressed and unhappy. But we are supposed to be a team, and we are supposed to be going through this together…except it feels so lonely sometimes. As hard as he tries to understand, there is a huge crevasse between us. It’s the hormones, yes, but it’s also the silent anger that I have that I am the one that has to physically suffer through all of this. My brain knows this is unfair. But my heart won’t listen. I’m bitter. I don’t think he’ll ever get what it feels like to not be able to do what you’re supposed to do as a female and how bad I feel that I can’t provide us with a child. Or how everything in my life has dropped to the sidelines and I’ve become sucked into the infertility vortex and can’t get out. And how desperately I want this all to be over with.

Yesterday we got in an argument because he said that if we have the option of transferring two vs. one embryo, he only wants to do one at a time because he doesn’t want twins. I almost lost my shit. How many times does he think I’m going to do this? I also, would prefer not to have twins, but given the option for two vs one embryo transfer, there’s no chance that I’m going to do one at a time. I want to maximize the chances of pregnancy so I minimize having to do IVF over and over again and if we get twins out of this, then so be it. Beggers cannot be choosers and at this point, clearly we are in the “begger” category.

We’re lucky that IVF is an option for us, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed and it’s hard to get excited right now.

IVF information session

I went to my clinic’s IVF info session this evening. Was packed with lots of information but nothing really I didn’t know. I just want to get the show on the road at this point. Before I start with the IVF program, there are a few tests that are mandatory that I need to do. One is the saline sonogram of the uterus. They do this to rule out fibroids, polyps and Ashermans or any other abnormalities in the uterus that may affect implantation. Also I’m probably going to have to do some blood tests for diseases. There are some other hormone level testing that is required but I’m hoping that the ones I did for the IUIs will cover those. I spoke to the IVF pre-cycle coordinator today and she is going to call me to let me know what labs I still need to do.

Assuming I pass all of these tests, I’m wondering how soon they’ll let me start the program.

Moving on from IUI#3

(image as seen on Occam’s Razor by Avinash Kaushik)

I was really depressed this morning. I could barely muster the energy to talk to anyone, even my mother. But by the end of the day, I felt better. A few things really helped me.

1) I read a post called “How To Get Someone Or Something Off Your Mind” on a blog called PluginID. It was an eye-opener. As a person who is having a hard time getting pregnant, I live and breathe infertility. The worst part is that we start to identify ourselves with our procreation problem. We start calling ourselves “infertiles”. We get angry at others for not understanding us…and I know this is true for me…we start identifying ourselves with our problems. I’ve referred to myself numerous times in this blog as being “barren”, “infertile” etc. OK yes, I’m having a tough time getting to my goal, but I don’t have to call myself these names. I don’t have to be that person. I can still be me. I have other interests, other hobbies. Why can’t I associate myself with that part of my life instead of being an “infertile”? That’s what I need to take back. It’s a change in perspective and it’s hard because I’m neck deep in this shit, but I have to pull myself out of it for my own sanity. Please read the post if you are interested. I do recommend it if you identify with the thought patterns I’ve written above.

2) A person named Jezzafuji commented on my blog yesterday and wrote some really really great things in response to my horribly negative post about the IUI#3 failure. If you are reading this and you need some perspective and hope, please read it here. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who comments on my blog. This is why the internet is so amazing. I don’t even know you in real life but every person’s comments have the power to make such an impact on me and others who are in the same shoes. Thank you.

3) I spoke to my cousin who went through 3 failed IUI’s and then had identical twins from one transferred egg via IVF. She gave me hope again. Her doctor told her that IUI’s are a waste of time and she thought so too. It’s funny how everyone who succeeded with IVF says that! However, I know others who have succeeded with IUIs so I wouldn’t say that this is true for everyone. But for me, I have to say that I knew it was a waste of time after the first failure. Hindsight is 20/20, I know.

Moving on and feeling good about it.

IUI#3 is officially a bust

Just as I’d predicted I just got my period. IUI#3 is officially over.

I suppose I knew it wasn’t going to work. But it still sucks really bad. It sucks that I have to go do IVF now. It sucks that we’re already through the 3 IUI’s that we said we were going to do and now we’re down to this. IVF feels like our last chance and it’s hard to face the fact that we have come to this last option. Part of me still wants to do the lap first, just so I could still have IVF left as another option. It seems stupid to fail at IVF and then go back and do a lap.

I feel like such a failure. I can’t stop asking the same question over and over again. WTF is wrong with me?????

IUI#3: almost 14dpiui

I am getting some cramping still. Especially on the left side. I think it’s my corpus luteum giving me a shout out and letting me know that his time is up and he’s going to Neverland. Awesome. I haven’t tested again since my miserable 11dpiui BFN. Right about now, I feel like I’m going to get my period so I’m going to wait it out till tomorrow morning to pee on a stick again. My guess is that I’ll get it in the next few hours here. My timing is all jacked up because I’m in Japan. It’s technically Thursday in the wee hours of the early morning at home a.k.a. morning of 14dpiui when I would be POAS if I was home (the official POAS). This is so lame. I am so sure that I am going to get my period. I wish it would just start already at this point. Bah.

IUI#3: 11dpiu – I POAS and…

It was negative. Of course. I don’t even know why I bothered. I guess because I’m feeling fat and I want to exercise like a mad woman and I thought I should check to make sure that it’s negative first before I do that. It is only 11dpiui and it is technically like 5pm but lets not even entertain the idea that if it was morning urine it would come up positive. It’s just not possible (I used First Response and it’s supposed to tell you up to 5 days before your expected period. It’s 3 days before my expected period). It’s a bust. I’ve been cramping intermittently – the same usual PMS symptoms – no sore boobs, cramps, tiredness. The only different things this cycle is that I’ve had no CM at all during my LP and I’ve been waking up to pee all the time and can’t sleep, but I think it’s the time difference, temperature difference and the jet lag that are causing the sleep abnormalities.

I guess I’ll just let loose now, start drinking coffee, run more and forget about yet another miserable failure and try to enjoy the rest of my holiday here. IVF up next I guess. Ugh. I just can’t believe it’s come to this. Beyond depressed.

Update: ok so I just noticed that I bought the wrong pregnancy test. I got the FR Rapid Results test instead of the Early Result test and the sensitivity of FR Rapid Results is 100miu of hcg vs. 25miu of hcg for FRER. You’re not supposed to use the FRRR until they day of your missed period. But whatever, I still stand firm that I am not pregnant.

IVF and a new job

I’m about to start a new job in a couple of weeks and I’m excited. But I’m also a little nervous about the fact that I’m about to launch into IVF potentially and how to communicate the frequent doctor visits to my new boss. At my last job, my boss was well aware of my situation (we were good friends) and so he was super cool about letting me go whenever I needed to go. I’m pretty sure that it’s unnecessary to tell my new boss the reason for me having to go to the doctor all the time. Maybe I could just say I have medical issues but it sounds so weird and dishonest, especially for a new person on the job. But what about all the days that I will likely have to take off for egg retrieval and transfer, not to mention the countless ultrasounds? Anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this?

It’s 9dpiui now and I’m starting to feel “full” in the lower belly area. No cramps per say but I feel like it’s coming. This cycle is not quite over yet but I’m already anticipating and planning for the next steps you see…

IUI#3: 8dpiui

I’m in Tokyo now. Hanging out with some friends and waiting out the two week wait far away from home and sadly, my husband. I thought it would be a good distraction but I am far from distracted. I keep touching my boobs to see if they hurt at all – nothing there. I keep pushing my belly to see if I’m bloated or if I just have gas. In fact, I feel just about nothing at all – no notable PMS or non-PMS symptoms. No cramps yet (fingers crossed that they don’t come), maybe a very very very dull pressure down in my lower belly that could be imaginary. I’ve got about 5 days till D-day which is when I get my period. My husband is funny. He keeps telling me that we are pregnant. I ask him how he knows and he says he has a spiritual connection with his sperm and he’s been getting signals that the mission was successful this time. He always has the ability to make me laugh about this crap even though the spiritual connection thing is a little weird and I don’t buy it for a second that I’m pregnant. You gotta laugh about this crap right?

I’m still mulling over what the doctor said at my consult. I’m so torn about doing IVF versus doing a lap and trying more IUIs to see if it takes. I guess I just want to know what the fuck is wrong with me and I feel like the lap would give me some answers. Is that a good enough reason to delay the possibility of pregnancy for another perhaps 4 or more months? Anyone have any advice?