(image as seen on zombietime.com)
This is a follow up post to my previous post “Newlyweds“.
I decided to send my dear friend an email and explain some things to her. Because I hate talking shit about her (even though her identity is hidden) and because you can’t blame anyone for not understanding because lets be honest here…if none of us had ended up with infertility issues, would we automatically be sensitive to the fact that others might be infertile? I can honestly say that I likely would have been clueless if this hadn’t happened to me. She was super receptive and she asked me to please tell her what she should and shouldn’t do because she doesn’t want to hurt me. That’s fair. Here’s a list of a few things that I asked of her:
- Lets minimize the “I’m going to try and get pregnant soon!” talk. It gives me anxieties.
- Don’t offer me advice on my inability to have babies and don’t joke about it. Love the advice for all the other stuff, but don’t need advice from you on infertility or sex tips. The only person I listen to are my other infertile friends and my RE.
- Don’t tell me to “relax” and it’ll happen. It won’t. I know way more about pregnancy than you do or likely ever will if you happen to get pregnant right away and I know that “relaxing” is not part of getting pregnant.
- Don’t be afraid to ask me questions if you have any but don’t ask me every month if I’m pregnant.
- If you do get pregnant just fucking tell me already and don’t be wimpy about it. As I saw in some other blog, you gotta tell it to me like you’re ripping off a band aid. It’ll sting at first but the pain will wear off and I can be happy for you.
- Just be there for me and just acknowledge the fact that this sucks big fat ass and it’s fucking me up in many ways.
And then she stopped by after work and said hello and all was forgiven. Most importantly, I don’t have to be scared of seeing her anymore because even though she can’t really understand how shitty this is for me, at least now we are on the same page. She also told me that she is scared of having pregnancy problems because she thinks that her (new) husband will be judgmental and not supportive if that happens. They’ve only been married a month! That’s when I realized, shit…well I might not have a baby but I would never ever say that or think that about my husband. Hey, everyone’s got problems.
I’m glad to hear that your friend was receptive and took it the right way. Good on you for being assertive.
Hugs.
omg i would not have married my husband if there was any inkling that he would not always support me in everything i do. i have a friend who is having problems getting pregnant, she and her husband have been “trying” for years. i say “trying” because due to the chance of multiples he doesn’t want her to take any drugs or have any sort of fertility treatment because he all ready has a child from a previous relationship and only wants to have one more. even worse is she has an ovulation problem that a couple of rounds of clomid would probably fix, but she says they know two people who took clomid and they both had twins. i swear to god if my husband had tried to stand in the way of me being a mother i would have divorced him in two seconds flat. how selfish to say, oh, well i all ready have a child with someone else and therefore we will not be exhausting every possibility to make you, my wife, the woman i promised to love and support forever, a mother.
Thanks for the comment on my blog!
I agree – I am so, so, so lucky to have such a wonderful husband who supports me in everything I do. He would never unilaterally make a decision that would impact both of us (nor would I). It always has to be a compromise for us.
It’s great to find another person who is in the same place as I am – there seem to be so few of us unexplaineds who are still stuck in IUI hell.
Its awesome you told your friend how to react to this. So far I haven’t had too many friends do this since not too many people know and most of my friends are moms and the baby train is done for them.
Good point about the husband. I don’t know what I would do if Jack was not as supportive as he is. I was a little nervous at the start, what if he was uber disappointed about not being a parent, but he is so strong for me and tells me he’s cool with everything as long as he has me.
one thing about IF you really learn the strength of your relationship.
When my partner and I stopped with our TTC journey, I have nothing to tell friends about it anymore so things have been ok. No friends to ask if I’m pregnant yet. I realized that by being mum about it, things get better. If and when we go back to IUI again, I think I won’t tell friends. I’ll just blog about it.
Maricel, that’s pretty interesting….i have recently realized that since I stopped tlaking about it (since we are taking a little break from treatments, actually) there are people who are taking bets on the sidelines that I’m already PG. Sorrry to disappoint them.
Hi, Great post. I’ve been thinking of some sort of Pavlovian Training Program for friends. If I get the protocol sorted out, perhaps we could institute it together?
Barren
My personal faves:
“Don’t tell me to “relax” and it’ll happen. It won’t. I know way more about pregnancy than you do or likely ever will if you happen to get pregnant right away and I know that “relaxing” is not part of getting pregnant.”
“Just be there for me and just acknowledge the fact that this sucks big fat ass and it’s fucking me up in many ways.”
I know–I don’t have cancer, I have a great job and a fab spouse, but I still have the right to be pissed off about infertility and the many trials of treatments.
Your training program should be extended to mothers, mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law (sisters too I imagine, although I don’t have one to know for sure and brothers don’t really say anything).
Oh – and can we add that you’re not allowed to say “I just know it’s going to happen for you guys.” Cause guess what? You don’t know that, I don’t know that, the doc doesn’t know that. God might, be he ain’t telling.