Just as I’d predicted I just got my period. IUI#3 is officially over.
I suppose I knew it wasn’t going to work. But it still sucks really bad. It sucks that I have to go do IVF now. It sucks that we’re already through the 3 IUI’s that we said we were going to do and now we’re down to this. IVF feels like our last chance and it’s hard to face the fact that we have come to this last option. Part of me still wants to do the lap first, just so I could still have IVF left as another option. It seems stupid to fail at IVF and then go back and do a lap.
I feel like such a failure. I can’t stop asking the same question over and over again. WTF is wrong with me?????
I am so, so, so sorry. This just sucks.
I am feeling the same way. My husband doesn’t want to spend the $$ on IVF because he’s worried that it won’t work and we could have put that amount toward adoption. I agree with him, but want desperately to have our own child. We are still trying IUI’s, but I am not very optimistic. I also have painful IUI’s so I get nervous every time we are going to do one.
It sounds inconceivable at a time like this, but the most important thing isn’t to think that there’s something ‘wrong’ with you, or that in some way *you* are failing. For the last few years my wife J and I struggled with infertility and I had to watch as she slowly crumbled before my eyes, which, on top of an already painful fertility treatment process, was intensely heartbreaking. She’s a gorgeous, amazing woman, but the aching baby-shaped hole inside her slowly consumed all confidence she had, and whereas before she could shrug off all the pregnancies around her, increasingly every new piece of news became a blade through her heart.
I’m not going to suggest that IVF is easy – it’s most definitely not. However, I always tried to think that every step we took further down the medical intervention road was just a step closer to our goal. (Of course J, who had to undergo all the painful procedures and injections, and hormone swings and failed 2-week-wait blood tests would probably see it differently…)
Whatever course you choose, don’t let it consume you. Sadly, as the years progressed for us, we stopped seeing friends with children, we avoided pregnant pals and generally drifted to the outskirts of life. Those who haven’t been through infertility treatment can’t appreciate how sidelined you feel by what seems to be ‘normal’ life – how you shift from advancing on your life’s journey to suddenly being parked by the roadside, watching everyone else fly past at pace; their lives progressing. That terrible ‘infertility inertia’ can suck the life out of you.
But trust me that further down that road you realise that in addition to punishing yourself with injections, with all kinds of drugs, with hugely personally invasive treatments, that you’ve punished yourself unnecessarily emotionally too. This whole focus on what’s ‘normal’ just isn’t real – there is no ‘normal’. So little is really known about *why* we conceive at any given time, or why we don’t. That’s often the worst thing about all infertility treatment – there’s never a reason why it’s not worked, so you’re always left blaming yourself: ’should I really have gone dancing?’, ‘did missing my acupuncture session do real damage’. Whatever you choose, don’t succumb to that self-blame.
Despite your persistent ‘WTF’ question, it could be perfectly possible that there’s nothing at all ‘wrong’ with you. J and I likewise fell into the dreadful ‘unexplained’ category of infertility – and even J’s lap (after 3 unsuccessful IVFs) showed nothing untoward. It’s horrifically frustrating, but sometimes the dreaded numbers game just isn’t in our favour.
We definitely tried to beat the odds: we tried chinese teas (they were trul foul, but amazingly, J persisted with them), had acupuncture and reflexology, and J even gave up work to focus on ‘being healthy’ and as stress-free as possible (by not having the additional stress of trying to balance treatment appointments and work). But still IVFs came and went, and not even a single positive result.
We eventually switched clinics and tried one which offered IVIG alongside the IVF. More money, more needles, but it became our own last option (you’ll be amazed at how IVF becomes the first of a whole raft of new options!).
So many of our friends dangled the dreaded ‘final attempt success’ story in front of us over the years, and every time we thought we couldn’t go on, that hope scratched away at our decision. And I’m glad it did. We became the story of hope: we conceived. J proved to be a good oven and baked us twins. Ollie and Ella were born this February, on the 5th IVF attempt. I’m not going to pretend otherwise – the IVF process is definitely painful, physically and emotionally. We are broke, knackered, still hugely stressed, and definitely scarred emotionally, but it’s so, so worth it.
I’ve rambled on long enough; the point I was really looking to make was that however difficult it may be, do not let yourself think that there’s something wrong with you. Even if a lap discovered something (and in some ways it’s probably preferable it does, and that it’s easily treatable), you’d still be wonderfully normal, and just as ‘normal’ a person as anyone else you’d meet.
Whilst the ‘relax’ advice may be somewhat pointless, there’s absolutely no benefit whatsoever in beating yourself up for something that’s entirely beyond your control. J did that, and although we’ve got beautiful twins, she still doesn’t yet think of herself as entirely normal, and it’s going to take some time to help her to see again the amazing person she truly is. So try to remember to love yourself and don’t let the treatment define you.
Good luck – especially if you opt for the IVF. I’ll keep an eye out for the better news to come.
yes, not knowing what the hell is going on really sucks, that is why the lap was the right choice for me, i needed to know, i needed a reason for it, it’s just human nature i guess.
[...] and wrote some really really great things in response to my horribly negative post about the IUI#3 failure. If you are reading this and you need some perspective and hope, please read it here. I want to [...]