(image as seen on Declutter Your House)
IVF information session: Check.
Saline Sonogram on uterus: this Thursday.
Blood test for diseases (me): later this week.
Husband’s SA for morphology: later this week.
Antibiotics and BCPs for IVF cycle: coordinator will call in prescription tomorrow.
I’m hoping by the end of the week, we’ll be done with the remainder of our check list. The IVF coordinator called me today and said that assuming my saline sonogram comes out ok, I will get my protocol soon and go on birth control pills for a few weeks and antibiotics for 10 days before I start stims. That means I could be starting the process as early as August which is cool, I guess. On the other hand, at one of my first ultrasounds, I was told that I had a polyp in my uterus that was around 5mm – so very small. The RE had said at the time that this was not a big issue so I’m just hoping that it has stayed very small and isn’t bigger than we think it is.
Things have been a little tough with my husband lately. I feel very disconnected from him. Part of it is that I am feeling disconnected from everyone in my life just because I’ve been depressed and unhappy. But we are supposed to be a team, and we are supposed to be going through this together…except it feels so lonely sometimes. As hard as he tries to understand, there is a huge crevasse between us. It’s the hormones, yes, but it’s also the silent anger that I have that I am the one that has to physically suffer through all of this. My brain knows this is unfair. But my heart won’t listen. I’m bitter. I don’t think he’ll ever get what it feels like to not be able to do what you’re supposed to do as a female and how bad I feel that I can’t provide us with a child. Or how everything in my life has dropped to the sidelines and I’ve become sucked into the infertility vortex and can’t get out. And how desperately I want this all to be over with.
Yesterday we got in an argument because he said that if we have the option of transferring two vs. one embryo, he only wants to do one at a time because he doesn’t want twins. I almost lost my shit. How many times does he think I’m going to do this? I also, would prefer not to have twins, but given the option for two vs one embryo transfer, there’s no chance that I’m going to do one at a time. I want to maximize the chances of pregnancy so I minimize having to do IVF over and over again and if we get twins out of this, then so be it. Beggers cannot be choosers and at this point, clearly we are in the “begger” category.
We’re lucky that IVF is an option for us, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed and it’s hard to get excited right now.
i know the further down the infertility road we go the more disconnected we become. it’s hard to relate to people who have no idea what you’re going through and vice versa. husbands can try and be supportive (mine is very supportive) but i don’t think they can ever truly understand what we are going through as women. i wasn’t super thrilled with the idea of twins either, but i never thought it would happen so i didn’t worry too much about it. maybe you can talk to your doctor and have him/her tell him the statistics on transfering one embryo vs. two.
Disconnected is definitely the right word, not only from family and friends, but also from your partner. If you find the answer to this problem, please let me know because I think this is something we all struggle with. Men are so different than women, and to be fair, people are different from each other. My DH tries to be supportive, but the fact is, he isn’t very good at it in that he can’t seem to figure out what I need. The reality is, there is only so much he can do, and I have to say that, at least he realizes I am the one really going through this, and it is my body, so we pretty much do what I want to do. That said, if I wasn’t willing to do everything medically possible to get pregnant…I’m not sure he would stick around. I think things tend to be very black and white for me, and as women, we live in the gray a lot of the time.
As for multiples and the embryo transfer, I totally get where you are coming from. Twins would be expensive, and a handful, but better than no babies at all. We’re paying cash along the way and it will run out eventually, so there is no way I am wasting a cycle transferring only one embryo. If we get twins, so be it. Easier to live with than childlessness in my opinion. Hopefully you’ll be able to bring your DH around. If not, what does an RE do in a situation where the partners don’t agree?
Starting the IVF process is such a tough road. It is difficult not to feel disconnected from your partner at times. Remember to spoil yourself along the way by taking a weekend away, seeing a movie, getting a massage, hiring a cleaner etc.
If you want to email me about IVF, I am happy to answer any questions.
Thinking of you.
xxx
during a conversation just this week, my husband admitted to me that he will never be able to understand how it feels from my perspective. Although he is hit with the sting of disappointment every unsuccessful month, he acknowledged that it’s not physically happening to him and therefore can’t fully appreciate completely what i’m experiencing. and while it this limitation on a mutal understanding can be frustrating, it was such an honest conversation it made me feel closer by accepting the distance. and please know that so many women feel very connected to your experience. even if that is a slim solace.
Thank you every one. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way.