Archive for December, 2008


(image from webmd.com)

the day after christmas and i had an HSG today. i prepared myself for the very worst in terms of pain. it certainly wasn’t comfortable by any means but it wasn’t as painful as i had imagined. the radiology girl was so super duper nice it made it so much easier. i really appreciate it when doctors or their assistants explain the procedure to you in great detail and when they walk you through the process as it moves along. this doctor and her assistant were just great like that. the x-ray showed that i had no blockage which was a huge relief. the doctor also explained that this test is also therapeutic as well, as it cleans out any debris or crud that is in the fallopian tubes. she wished me the best of luck and then sent me on my way with a big fat pad from like 1980.

also today, my house guests left. shortly after, the woman called me in tears from the road. apparently she had told her husband that she had shared their story with me and he was furious with her. they had made a promise that they would not tell anyone and he was very upset that she had told me, despite the fact that we were going through a similar thing. all of a sudden i felt terribly guilty for knowing. i think for a lot of men, it can feel emasculating when they are told that they have male infertility issues and of course it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want anyone else to know. on the other hand, it is us women that have to go through the drugs and the hardships on our bodies regardless of who’s problem it is and i know that it must be so difficult for a woman to not be able to tell or share it with anyone. this woman had told me that she had struggled during her own journey for that reason and she told me that she was telling me now because she wanted to help me in any way that she could. i now feel uncomfortable for knowing and don’t know what to do…


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annie leibovitz for vanity fair - lance armstrong
(image by annie leibovitz as seen on vanity fair)

so have you heard the news? lance armstrong, who was thought to be sterile after treatment with chemotherapy for testicular cancer has gotten his lady friend pregnant. i bet that was an oopsy daisy moment! they have reportedly been together since july which is about 5 months! this is a christmas miracle y’all. well maybe more of a september miracle. his ex-wife conceived three children through artificial means with the sperm that he froze prior to his treatment and he has only one testicle.

if sperm that was thought to have gone bye-bye can be resurrected, then anything is possible. happy holidays everyone.

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the real story

so i got my house guest to tell all last night and it was really good for us. i think this christmas could be nice after all. she’s a very private person so naturally it was hard for her to tell me but when i told her that we were having problems conceiving she broke down and gave me her story. she and her husband tried for a year, went to the doctor and found out they have male fertility issues. over the next year, she had eggs extracted twice and after 30 eggs over two surgeries, they only came up with one high quality embryo. they crossed their fingers and put the sucker back in and it stuck and they are finally pregnant! she said, had it been 10 years ago, they would surely not have been able to have a biological child with the issues they had. one of the more difficult things for her to accept was that she was perfectly healthy and fertile, but as the carrier of the baby and a husband with male infertility, it was she as the woman, who had to endure the drugs and hardship on her body to have a child. as hard as it is for me to not have been able to get pregnant this year, i fully appreciate and admire the truly courageous battle this woman went through to have a biological child. Now knowing what she went through, i feel good about her being at my house for christmas and being able to celebrate her victory over infertility with her. i also feel lucky that i have finally got someone that i can talk to about this stuff who understands how it can feel to fight through this stuff…from experience. i’m only starting on this journey and i don’t know how long it’s going to take me and how far i’ll have to go to get this baby but i’m ready to fight and do whatever it takes.

i want to congratulate all the women out there who are ttc for another year of staying strong and fighting for something you want badly and wish you all the best for the holidays and for the new year. if you’ve had a rough year in 2008, keep your head up, take another giant step forward, move on and turn over a new leaf. it’s a new year and a new start. lets all hope for the very best in 2009. i know i do….

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last night a couple who are friends of my husband’s came to stay at our house for christmas. they got married a couple days before we did, almost exactly a year ago but we suspect that they had started ttc even a few months before the wedding. just a month ago when we visited them, my husband and i tried independently to try to get it out of them that were having issues conceiving. they didn’t budge. neither of them would let on that they were having problems and now we know why….as they waltzed in last night and announced that they are pregnant. i almost choked on my food.

i still haven’t quite figured out if they actually were having problems. it was just an assumption that we’d made but they did say they’d been trying for 15 months. some people are very open (like me) about their issues and others are a little more tight lipped but we knew they wanted kids badly. on the one hand i am happy to see success stories because well, maybe i’ll get there some day? that’s what my husband says anyway. he says this is a good thing because it means there is hope. but shit. do i really have to spend christmas talking about pregnancy symptoms? i really wanted to get away from it all and like i’ve said before, once pregnant, some previously infertile women seem to forget what it’s like to be infertile and they chat away about their morning sickness and sore boobs to other still infertile women. it just doesn’t help. unfortunately, this woman is one of those. i wonder if she’ll admit that she was having problems now that she is pregnant?

is a christmas away from my #1 source of stress, too much to ask for?!

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i’ve got nothing. again.

so as i correctly predicted yesterday, i got my period this morning. cycle #12 is another fucking bust! i knew it wasn’t going to happen this month (just like every other month) but why does it still feel so shitty? i felt like i set my expectations properly this time and still it just sucks ass. it’s hard not to get pissed off at your own body for not doing what you want it to do. so to punish myself, i went for a good hard run this morning (i multi-tasked and cried and ran at the same time), then went to the gym, lifted weights and did a million sit-ups. i’m a masochist. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

my husband tried to make me feel better by saying, “oh but you had a 13 day LP again, that’s great!”. god bless the man, but there is nothing great about having a 13 day LP and then getting your period. i said back to him, “well i don’t really think that the LP thing is why i’m not getting pregnant” and he said, “really? then what do you think it is?” and that really just insulted me. a) if i knew what it was, i wouldn’t have started this blog because maybe i would already be pregnant b) wait…does that comment imply that he thinks it’s all ME? that i’m the cause of our infertility? it really upset me because that’s just the whole point. we don’t know if it’s me, or him or both of us together. that’s why we’re going to the reproductive endocrinologist next month. it’s easy to see how relationships can get really tense when couples are infertile. what stops someone from secretly blaming the other person for their infertility problems? a woman is usually a good target for blame because she’s the one that’s supposed to carry the baby but even doctors have a hard time figuring out what’s going on and often diagnose couples with “unexplained infertility”.

it was just a insensitive thing for him to say, on a very bad day.

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the doctor called me yesterday with my results from the 7dpo blood test and my progesterone levels are normal. i don’t know whether to be excited or exasperated. i still have the hysterosalpingogram that i have to do next month and then my pre-infertility clinic tests will be complete. meanwhile, life has gone on and today i am at 13dpo so my LP continues to stay more lengthened than it was before. i guess all the running really was not helping the ol’ LP because it really is the only lifestyle change that i’ve made (although i have been going to acupuncture as well…), but i do miss it so. i feel the dreaded period coming on as well so i’m sure that is right around the corner. preparing myself for bust #12. bring it bitch!

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got up super early this morning so i could make it to the blood lab by 7:30am so that i could then make a 9am meeting. today’s blood test was to get an idea of progesterone levels at 7 days past ovulation. i hope to get the test results next week. i’m particularly interested in the results of this test because my prediction is that i will have lower levels of progesterone than the norm. but i have no proof to back that up at the moment so i’m curious to see what the results are. the fact that i’m at 7dpo means that i have about 5 days to go until my period. again. its like groundhog day. i am finally getting to the point now where i don’t even get my hopes up every month. i’ve stopped looking at “pregnancy symptom” posts because i know my symptoms are regular period symptoms and i feel blah and indifferent. i won’t say that i don’t care but i certainly don’t sit around and think about what i have planned in 9 months that i might have to reschedule…anymore.

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