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Archive for January, 2009

elephant in the room
(image as seen on Urban Horizon)

when you’re going through infertility, you can smell it on other people who are also going through it. you get on the subject of having kids and then you do the little dance. you skirt around the topic of when you’re having babies. you both say, yeah we know we want kids. we just don’t know when. but you both know a little too much about the other “options”. you say things about how expensive having kids can be. not to mention how much it would cost *if* you were to have problems.

i had lunch with this guy that i used to hook up with back in the day. we’re still friendly. he’s been married for a year and a half, i’ve been married for a little over a year. we’re both in our mid-thirties. there’s no reason for either one of us to be waiting to have kids. but we’re both childless with no kids on the horizon. the conversation about the possibility of children was awkwardly hilarious. i could clearly see that him and his wife are having infertility issues but neither of us admitted it to each other. if only it wasn’t so private. then we could talk about it and help each other. but…it was the big fat elephant in the room.

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yesterday was our first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. a friend asked me if i was excited and i really wasn’t sure. i guess i felt “excited” in the sense that we’re doing something about the issue and being active about it makes me feel better. but then again, who knew that i would have to be paying someone money to help me have a baby?

our doctor was really nice and my husband and i both liked him immediately. he looked at our tests and did a review of our history and said, well what we have here is a case of “unexplained infertility”. in other words, we both look good on paper but the magic just ain’t happenin’. his advice? get started on a dose of 100mg of clomid and then try 3-4 round of IUIs.

we’re now letting the information marinate and are in discussions on when to get started on the IUIs. my friend who is a naturopathic doctor told me to do all my tests (and find out that we’re both fine) and then just forget about it for 6 months. SIX MONTHS! thinking about all this actually really stressed me out last night. i can’t imagine another year going by without successfully getting pregnant, so trying again naturally for another six months seems impossible. i think it will break me. some of my friends will start trying for their second kids this year and others will get married this year and have a baby before me. even though i’m happy for everyone who gets to have a baby, every time i’m told that someone else is newly pregnant, it kills me inside – because life is not fair and i’m not sure why it’s not happening for me.

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