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Archive for February, 2009

CD12: HCG shot

I did it. I gave myself a shot. I just squeeeeeezed the muffin top and stuck the needle in and pushed. It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be. I’d  spent the hour or two before getting all nervous and freaked out about it. But when it was all over and done, it wasn’t all that bad.

I went to see my acupuncturist today and he told me that my body was not doing well. He said I had a lot of blood and liver stagnation likely caused by the drugs. It’s no surprise, as I’ve had headaches every day and am exhausted every day by like 8pm every night. He said he had a good feeling about this one, but I’m done with getting my hopes up. I don’t think it’ll be any different to all the other cycles I’ve had. Except I’m drugged up.

I’m also very annoyed at my RE. I sent him an email asking him about the polyp. He didn’t even come in to see me for my u/s appointment so I figured the least he could do is to respond to my email, no? What kind of “health care” is that?

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Ugh. I am depressed.
I went in for the CD11 ultrasound today and found out that:

a) i have a 22mm follicle (but i’ve got only ONE follicle!)
b) i have a 5mm polyp in my uterus

WTF! I am so fucking pissed off. I’ve never had a problem ovulating so if all clomid is going to do is give me the same ONE egg and then on top of that give me a fucking polyp which I’ve never had before, this is bullshit! The Dr who did my ultrasound said that it probably wasn’t a big deal but she would send a message to my doctor about the polyp. PROBABLY not a big deal…but possibly maybe a big deal? From what I’ve read online, polyps are common but they can affect your fertility. 5mm is not terribly big in polyp standards but still…what wasn’t there before is now there and I blame the clomid! It doesn’t look like I’ll be able to do the IUI this month as I’m leaving for Mexico on Thursday so this will be a timed intercourse cycle. But with the same old single egg and a polyp, the chances of pregnancy have only decreased from a non-clomid cycle. Frustrated does not begin to describe what I’m feeling right now.

Update: read somewhere that 22mm follicle is a mature follicle and that clomid doesn’t necessarily produce MORE follicles but helps with producing bigger and BETTER follies. so fingers crossed that this single 22mm sucker is a superb follie.

Newer Update: The IUI coordinator called and said that I have two follicles that we are shooting to get mature. They are each at 13mm and 14mm right now so she wants to give them a few more days to “ripen” and then wants me to take the HCG shot tomorrow night. Apparently the larger 22mm follicle is considered to be too large and of no hope. I’m not sure why the u/s technician and the IUI coordinator are telling me different things but I like what the IUI coordinator is telling me better! Unfortunately the IUI needs to be scheduled for Thursday but we are leaving town then so it’s definitely going to be a timed intercourse cycle unfortunately.

Newest Update: My RE says that he thinks that I really did only have one mature follicle. Which is it motherfuckers! Stop telling me different things!

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clomid is a bitch

Haven’t updated my status on this whole infertility journey in a while but I just took the final two doses of clomid yesterday. This is my first round of clomid. This drug is fucking out of control. It’s made me absolutely bonkers. Sudden fits of rage ( i mean like screaming at my co-worker for being a pussy), thinking about the day that my cat dies and bursting into tears. Angry at the world. Angry, Angry, Angry. Oh, and anti-social. I don’t want to be around people because people make me mad. That makes being at work super difficult.

The other thing that pisses me off is that I can’t run. I thought you weren’t allowed to run if you did injectibles but my IUI coordinator told me that I can’t run on clomid. Is that normal? I’m a miserable bitch when I don’t run. Too much stagnant energy. So I’ve picked up swimming which is actually pretty damn nice though. At least I don’t have to hear people talking around me. Just the water bubbling in my ears.

This month will be a timed intercourse round as I’ll be in Mexico for a wedding right around ovulation (which I’m sure means another bust). However, I’ll be going in for an ultrasound on Monday to see what clomid has done to me. I’m hoping that they’ll say, oooh you’ve got some eggs that are ready to go, lets give you an HCG and get this show on the road!!! but I doubt that will happen. I’ll only be CD11 then. My ovaries are starting to ache though. I’ve been reading blogs of people who got cysts from taking clomid. Fuck. I sure hope it’s not a cyst.

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celebrity infertility

dixie chicks - taking the long way
(image as seen on novaproperty.blogspot.com)

It’s raining outside today and of course, as usual, I found myself thinking about my inability to have babies. And then I started thinking about all the celebrities with twins. Surely they didn’t ALL have those twins naturally? i googled “celebrity infertility” and found a few interesting articles about celebs who have openly admitted to going through fertility treatments and others that are speculated. Julia Roberts won’t admit it but she has twins. JLo has twins too but says she conceived them naturally. Angelina Jolie? maybe. Marcia Cross openly admits IVF treatments and so does Courtney Cox. I think my favorite find was that the Dixie Chicks sisters Emily Robison and Martie Maguire who collectively conceived two sets of twins through IVF treatments and wrote a song about their struggles. I am a Dixie Chick fan and I did not realize that “So Hard” is about infertility but it is. Take a look at the lyrics.

“So Hard”

Back when we started
We didn’t know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we’ve got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we’re good at anymore

And sometimes I don’t have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it’s so hard
It’s so hard

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it’s so hard
It’s so hard

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can’t remember
How to feel free

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy, easy

It’s so hard

…and there you have it. add that to your “i can’t get pregnant and it sucks ass” playlist.

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