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Archive for April, 2009

Fertility Ring

My sister in law presented me with this fertility ring that she wore when she wanted to get pregnant. She’s since then passed it on to three other girls who have all gone on to become pregnant. The ring is a turquoise colored Egyptian scarab beetle. I looked it up on the internet to find out the significance of scarab beetles in ancient Egypt. Scarab beetles were apparently worshipped for their ability to roll dung (a.k.a. SHIT!) and breed in the shit and then eat the shit for food. To summarize in more mythological terms, the scarab beetle was revered for it’s ability to “self-create”. Not sure how fertile that is, but hey poo is fertile right? Horse manure? Used for fertilization? Do you see where I’m going here? It’s too big for me but I’m going to wear it. It doesn’t hurt to try it out and I think it’s good to believe in the powers of the ancient unknown.

photo

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Angry at the world

Last night, my husband told me to stop being so angry. He said, “can’t you be happy again? I hate that you are so angry at the world.” It started because he wants to go camping with a few of our friends. Both couples have children and I don’t want to go. I can’t think of anything worse than going camping with two families. All we’re going to talk about is babies and I can’t stand it and I told him so. But he’s right. I am angry. I’ve always been a little on the aggressive side but I am angry..er than ever before.

Infertility is so unfair, it’s unjust and most people around you don’t understand how small and pointless it makes you feel as a human being. There’s so much frustration that is pent up that you can’t do anything with. There’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at. So sometimes, you just get angry at the world. I don’t like to push friends away or avoid them, but sometimes it’s just easier. It’s simpler to be at home and wallow in your own misery and to not give them opportunities to say stuff to you that piss you off. I avoid some friends more than others because I feel like some of them genuinely care and are supportive. But others, I am starting to hate for being callous and insensitive. So call me angry, call me self absorbed, but that’s where I’m at.

I’m just worried that one day my husband is going to start despising me…for being angry.

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I have the next month off. So of course, me, being unable to “relax”, I start thinking about the possibility of fitting in a lap this cycle.

The thing is…I think I have endometriosis. I have no proof of that except my gut instinct and because I have some of those symptoms that are listed in the websites…severe cramping at times as well as the fact that my mother has it and has had a lap in the past. And the more you read on the web, the relationship between endometriosis and infertility are too close to deny. I’d brought it up with my doctor during our first consultation. He did not recommed at that point that I have a lap. He wanted us to do a few cycles of IUI and then revisit the issue if those failed since he said he’s seen many women with endometriosis get pregnant. So here I am, jumping the gun again only after 1 failed IUI. But fate has it that there are no surgery availability dates during April/May and so I have decided to wait out having a lap until after the 2nd IUI. If that fails, then I’ll have a consultation with the RE to talk about next steps and at that point, as he’d said originally, we’d talk about endometriosis and the possibility of a laparoscopy again. At least that’s what I proposed to my RE and his response…”Sounds like a good plan”. Sometimes I feel like I am writing my own protocol.

Would love to hear from others on their experience with laparoscopy and whether you think it’s worth doing or not.

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Next two months

Just talked to my IUI Coordinator. She’s ok with me taking the next month off from doing any meds. I guess I could take the Femara but I just know it’s not going to really help. I’d rather save it for the IUI cycles and just give my body a little tiny break (even though I’ve only been on meds for 2 months – I already feel like I need a break). The doctor also wants me to continue with my Femara/IUI combo for one more month on the following cycle. He felt that I reacted well to it and we need to give it another chance. I think I am on board with that. If that doesn’t work, he wants to pursue more aggressive treatment, which will likely involve injectibles and IUI. I’m looking forward to going on a run tomorrow morning. Hope I don’t keel over from being so out of shape.

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IUI#1: FAIL

Yep. It’s a bust. 14dpiui and I was visited by the unwelcome visitor. It’s like groundhog day. Always the 13 day luteal phase! I can’t say that I’m surprised but I can say that I’m starting to feel numb about it all. It’s a waste of energy to feel anything anymore. It doesn’t do me any good. Any emotion that has come up today, I’ve just swallowed it and pushed it far far down where I can’t reach it. But let me rant here for just one second and say, WTF! How can this not work? Just from a purely scientific standpoint…you’ve got 2 presumably somewhat healthy eggs. Ya put the fucking sperm like right up in there – so close to the fucking eggs. How can it not work?! It baffles my mind. Yes, I know there’s timing and the fact that I’m OLD-ish and all that bullshit. But it’s still baffling. Anyway, I called my husband at work and we went out and got a coffee to celebrate this momentous occasion. I didn’t give up coffee for nothing and if I get nothing, then I’m going to enjoy my fucking coffee for one god damn day. And maybe that’s why I am so jazzed up right now!!!!

So there’s my rant. And now back to zen, peace and love. I’m going on vacation and I’ll miss this next IUI cycle. I’m going to ask my doc if I can lay off the drugs for this next month. I just want to be a normal person even if it’s just for one month and not care anymore. I’m going to attempt to start running again and make my jeans fit me once more.

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image001

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IUI#1: 10dpiui

flu
(image as seen on dietsinreview.com)

Today was the 10th day past IUI. Usually about now my temperature drops. It didn’t. But the usual pre-menstrual cramps came on and so did the flu. I am sniffling, sneezing, coughing mess. I don’t have a fever but I feel hot and cold, back and forth. I almost shit my pants twice today because my stomach also seems to be affected. I know these pre-menstrual cramps well. They signify the end of yet another cycle. The continued high temps are most likely my body trying to fight off this cold that has been coming on for the last few days. I’ve got no other exciting symptoms. No swollen boobies, no morning sickness, no blue veins popping out of my boob. So at this point, I’m just waiting for the inevitable to come. And by the way, I refuse to test anymore until I actually make it past 13 dpo (my longest luteal phase) because I hate to waste money on those stupid little tests, oh yeah and the disappointment too.

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