The cramps have come on. It means only one thing! Stupid period is around the corner. I do think I have turned a corner though in my whole infertility stuff. I care less. There. I said it. I don’t know why but I’m tired of caring anymore. I’m just going through the motions of doing this infertility treatment and am starting to feel indifferent. Yeah yeah, I want a baby. But I also want a new job. And I also want to be a nice, friendly wife and a happy person, and being a psycho over my infertility is making me really really unhappy. I ate a lot of salty shit yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. My body is bloating and getting ready to start the cycle over again I’m sure.
Archive for May, 2009
Well I forgot my cautiously optimistic socks today for the IUI so I put on my invisible cautiously optimistic socks instead as photographed here. IUI’s are crazy. I mean they just walk you in, command that you undress from the waist down and then they stick the medical penis (there it is in the background of the photo) up you and then they walk out. My RE’s office is a baby making factory I tell you. I just hope they are good at it. Husband provided some good sperm again today. 105MM motile count post-prep with a progression of 3 and motility of 90%. Actually that’s more than 3 times more than he provided on the last IUI (34MM). Lets hope the army of sperm finally do a little jiggy with the egg that came out of the giant follicle.
It’s a Sunday morning and I went to see the RE. The whole concept of going to the doctor on a Sunday is weird. They checked my follicles and as far as follicles go, it wasn’t what I wanted to see. 5 follicles total. 4 of them between 11-12mm and then one giant one on the right side that was 18.5mm which means I have only one viable one for this IUI. I wanted to have two and I’m pissed. But my lining is 8mm and decent and I guess all it takes is one right? (That’s me trying to be positive). The big “WHAT IF” now is that I have an all day job interview on Tuesday. I’ll be peeing on sticks for then next few days and my fingers are crossed that I won’t need to do the IUI on Tuesday. How do you call a prospective job up and say, hey, about that interview? I have to move it because I’m getting artificially inseminated that day? Fuck I can’t do that! Please please please don’t start ovulating until after Tuesday!!!
It turns out that unemployment (when you have a severance package) rocks. Don’t get me wrong. I have been busy every single day. But I’m busy with things that I want to be doing and that’s why unemployment is so awesome. I am a happy camper these days and my husband has noticed it saying, “you are less bitchy than you usually are”, a compliment! ha!
That being said, I have certainly turned on the job seeking switch and am in full swing at the moment and having a baby has definitely taken a little bit of a back seat in my list of priorities (no money = no baby). In fact I have a phone interview in about 50 minutes. But I still find time to meet friends for lunch, go to the museum and that part is really nice. Infertility takes your life away from you by preventing you from always being able to eat what you want, drink what you want, exercise the way you want to. In a strange way, by being unemployed, I feel like I own my life again and that’s nice.
So I’ve made it through the drug consumption stage and I’m off the Femara now. Maybe it’s because I’m unemployed and I sit around and hang out with my laptop all day long…but it didn’t really affect me this time at all. No symptoms (except for a migrain that I got at a party after drinking a little sip of alcohol). Hooray! I go in for an ultrasound on CD11 which is Sunday to see how many viable follies I have. This time I’m determined to ask for an HCG shot before the IUI. I don’t know. Somehow I feel like it would help time the IUI better. Am I wrong?
I haven’t said a whole lot lately. That’s because I’m taking a month off from all the fertility stuff. I did go on a week vacation to Hawaii and that was lovely. But then, I came home to 3 days of work and then my whole group at work was laid off. Kind of a shock and also another horrible lesson in “there is no such thing as having control over your life”. It’s sad when the one stable thing in your life is snatched away from you like that. Not that I liked my job all that much. It was just somewhere to be but you don’t realize how nice it is to know that you’re expected to be somewhere, until you’re no longer expected to be there anymore.
The upside of all this is that a friend of mine quit her job and got pregnant right after because she was no longer stressed. Then again, her husband is a millionaire and she doesn’t have shit to worry about. Mine is not and we have a mortgage to pay. I think my stress levels might have actually increased.
I think I’m supposed to get my period in the next couple of days and then this fertility treatment part of my life will start up again. Can’t say that I’m really looking forward to it….