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Archive for July, 2009

Dear Clinic

You…suck my big fat juicy ass. I called the insurance company and they say that they requested Day 3 bloodwork and cycle records on July 6th and they said that it’s not that they have denied the request for IVF. It’s just that you haven’t followed up or sent them ANYTHING. So…how dare you call and me and tell me that my request was denied? How dare you give me attitude and act annoyed about my phone calls and my efforts to mediate the document transfer? I’m having to project manage this bullshit because you obviously suck at your job. It is infuriating. The insurance company said there’s no set minimum for IUIs. They just need to see the records and get a doctor’s note explaining why he thinks I should move on to IVF. They say it shouldn’t be a problem to get it authorized. I can’t wait to be rid of you, Clinic, once and for all. As soon as I get that positive pregnancy test…..

Love,

Me, the project manager for my own IVF cycle because other people are shitty at their job

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Dear Insurance Company

Stop making my life shittier than it already is by denying authorization of IVF. What the fuck is the point of trying to make me do a total of SIX useless IUIs before you’ll even consider paying for an IVF? I’ve been blissfully happy the last couple of weeks, naively thinking that you would pay for this IVF and this one phone call from my RE’s office has fucked up my whole life again. I refuse to do three more IUIs. I don’t see the use in it. When I’m 50 and I’m childless I will march my ass over to your office headquarters and burn it down for fucking up my life. Do I sound crazy? Yeah? Well that’s because I am. Infertility makes you fucking crazy and if you think that you’re “helping” me in any way by denying me IVF, well guess again motherfuckers. Fuck you, and your bureaucratic bullshit. Eat shit and die.

Love,

ME

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I Almost Forgot

…that I’m TTC. That’s how out of my mind it’s been lately. I LOVE not thinking about this. I LOVE not living it…almost to the point that I don’t care about it as much anymore, although that feeling is probably temporary and will change. Life without babies is easy and self-centered and I am basking in the glory of it at the moment. One of my good friends got pregnant again for the 2nd time and when she told me about it I was hardly affected in a negative way about it at all. It’s another fact of life that most people will get pregnant before us and that’s just the way the ball has been rolling for us. I also met 2 of my friends’ newborn babies. Again, unphased, happy for them even! Come August, it’ll be full on again and I’m not looking forward to that right now. Meanwhile, did I tell you how much I LOVE not actively caring about TTC? I love it so much it hurts. There seems to be a few of us who are taking TTC breaks at the moment. I think it’s good for the body and the mind to take some breaks here and there. Hooray for breaks. Hooray for freedom. Hooray for feeling like myself again.

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It hasn’t even been 3 hours since I’ve had the saline sonogram and I already got a call from my RE! I have been very unimpressed with him in the past, but after the past few consultations I’ve had with him, I am liking this guy more and more. I still have to probe him for his recommendation, which is an annoying trait for a specialized doctor, but he does give it up in the end.

His thoughts on my polyp were:

  • it’s very small – it measures 7x3mm and it’s only really considered to be a factor if it’s above 1cm
  • it is definitely not the cause of my infertility (perhaps a minor contribution)
  • removing it is optional because he’s seen lots of women with larger polyps get pregnant
  • women who have polyps tend to get polyps over and over again so even if we remove this one I may get another

His overall recommendation:

If you’re moving forward with IVF, it’s a minor procedure so lets just take it out to optimize your chances of success.

The good news is that I can schedule the hysteroscopy for within the first 10 days of my next cycle and he said it should not delay the IVF path that we are on! Day 1 of my next cycle, I should take my BCP as prescribed along with 10 days of antibiotics, do the hysteroscopy and the show goes on!

Feeling much better about the whole thing.

(image as seen on Dimeda)

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During my first medicated Clomid cycle, at the CD11 ultrasound, the doctor saw a 5mm polyp. At the time, he said that anything under 1cm was not really significant and therefore not worth removing. Since then no one has mentioned ever seeing it again so I was hoping it went away on its own. Well it popped up again during the saline sonogram today. It measured 7mm at the longest end so it’s still what the doctors would consider “very small” but the doctor who conducted my sonogram told me that she would recommend getting it removed via hysteroscopy. If you’re gonna spend the time and effort doing IVF, you might as well try to go into it in as good of shape as possible, right? So this is likely going to delay the starting of my IVF cycle and it’ll probably also make me have to take some time off work (on a new job!!! yikes) so not really happy about that, but I’ll do whatever the doctor tells me to do because I’m too tired to try and come up with my own ideas. On a positive note, I did not have Ashermans syndrome, fibroids or any other issues. Lets get rid of this polyp already.

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(image as seen on Declutter Your House)

IVF information session: Check.

Saline Sonogram on uterus: this Thursday.

Blood test for diseases (me): later this week.

Husband’s SA for morphology: later this week.

Antibiotics and BCPs for IVF cycle: coordinator will call in prescription tomorrow.

I’m hoping by the end of the week, we’ll be done with the remainder of our check list. The IVF coordinator called me today and said that assuming my saline sonogram comes out ok, I will get my protocol soon and go on birth control pills for a few weeks and antibiotics for 10 days before I start stims. That means I could be starting the process as early as August which is cool, I guess. On the other hand, at one of my first ultrasounds, I was told that I had a polyp in my uterus that was around 5mm – so very small. The RE had said at the time that this was not a big issue so I’m just hoping that it has stayed very small and isn’t bigger than we think it is.

Things have been a little tough with my husband lately. I feel very disconnected from him. Part of it is that I am feeling disconnected from everyone in my life just because I’ve been depressed and unhappy. But we are supposed to be a team, and we are supposed to be going through this together…except it feels so lonely sometimes. As hard as he tries to understand, there is a huge crevasse between us. It’s the hormones, yes, but it’s also the silent anger that I have that I am the one that has to physically suffer through all of this. My brain knows this is unfair. But my heart won’t listen. I’m bitter. I don’t think he’ll ever get what it feels like to not be able to do what you’re supposed to do as a female and how bad I feel that I can’t provide us with a child. Or how everything in my life has dropped to the sidelines and I’ve become sucked into the infertility vortex and can’t get out. And how desperately I want this all to be over with.

Yesterday we got in an argument because he said that if we have the option of transferring two vs. one embryo, he only wants to do one at a time because he doesn’t want twins. I almost lost my shit. How many times does he think I’m going to do this? I also, would prefer not to have twins, but given the option for two vs one embryo transfer, there’s no chance that I’m going to do one at a time. I want to maximize the chances of pregnancy so I minimize having to do IVF over and over again and if we get twins out of this, then so be it. Beggers cannot be choosers and at this point, clearly we are in the “begger” category.

We’re lucky that IVF is an option for us, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed and it’s hard to get excited right now.

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I went to my clinic’s IVF info session this evening. Was packed with lots of information but nothing really I didn’t know. I just want to get the show on the road at this point. Before I start with the IVF program, there are a few tests that are mandatory that I need to do. One is the saline sonogram of the uterus. They do this to rule out fibroids, polyps and Ashermans or any other abnormalities in the uterus that may affect implantation. Also I’m probably going to have to do some blood tests for diseases. There are some other hormone level testing that is required but I’m hoping that the ones I did for the IUIs will cover those. I spoke to the IVF pre-cycle coordinator today and she is going to call me to let me know what labs I still need to do.

Assuming I pass all of these tests, I’m wondering how soon they’ll let me start the program.

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