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Archive for September, 2009

It’s only been 2 days since I got the BFP and I already feel it slipping through my fingers. I’ve been cramping quite a bit the last day or so and last night I woke up in the middle of the night having to pee and with cramps. The next time I got up to pee at 5am, there were drops of blood in the toilet bowl with drops of red blood when I wiped. My boobs are less sore this morning too. All of this is a bad sign I’m sure. I’m trying to take it all in stride. It’s only been 2 days so my attachment level is low but it’s shitty to be in fear like this, especially when you’ve waited so long to get to this point. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom because I’m afraid to see more blood.

Ultimately though, my end goal is a healthy baby so if it’s not healthy and can’t get through the first week then it’s just not meant to be. I suppose I will call the clinic today and see if they want me to do anything. I don’t really know what to do with myself.

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I didn’t do jack shit at work today. How could I? I was completely distracted by other new developments in my life. I snuck out of work to go get a blood test to confirm whether or not the pee stick was lying to me. My IVF nurse called me and said my beta was at 382. She said anything above 100 is good. She was also the one that was trying to unsuccessfully console me when this IVF cycle was canceled. She laughed and said, what did I tell you? Converted IVF cycles CAN result in pregnancy! But I’m still nervous and I should be.

My next blood test is on Friday. I’m surprised they don’t want me to go in on Wednesday. I’m kind of bummed that I have to wait four days to confirm whether this is still a viable pregnancy at that time. But I’ve done enough waiting. What’s another 4 days right?

Someone asked me about symptoms. Nothing in particular that strikes me as odd. I have cramps, I have boobs that are sore sometimes and sometimes not. Heavy full feeling in the belly. I love olives, not loving chocolate so much right now. It feels EXACTLY like I’m getting my period. In fact, as I sit here typing, I’m still wondering if I’m about to get it. I’m trying to figure out what made the IUI work this time that didn’t work the other times. I did have that hysteroscopy to remove the polyps in August and this is the first IUI since then. This is also the first time that I’ve done injectables and a trigger shot with an IUI. This is also the first time I used progesterone suppositories. We also had shingles (me) and chicken pox (husband) although I’m sure that has absolutely nothing to do with it. I am convinced that all of this is completely crazy and random.

We’re not completely out of the woods yet and won’t be for a while. My husband and I have decided that if something doesn’t work out with this pregnancy, at least this is a step forward in that we know we can get pregnant. This is the farthest we’ve ever gotten and for that I’m truly grateful.

Thanks for all the support ladies….

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bfp

Wanted to stop taking the progesterone supplements today so I could get my period and start my IVF cycle over so I peed on a stick this morning to be sure that I could stop. I am in shock. I had written this off completely because my IVF cycle had gotten canceled and I thought IUIs were not going to work for us. My husband refuses to be excited or believe it until I get the blood test. I’m with him on that. Skeptically optimistic???

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Progesterone Suppositories

Who knew that progesterone suppositories could be so…um wonderful?

1. They make me cramp
2. My nipples and boobs are on fire
3. Panty liner on for 24 hours a day for 14 days because, being a suppository, they have to come out once they are melted
4. EXHAUSTION!

Yay for progesterone supplements!
What did they do to you?

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Thank you

….for all the lovely comments. It’s hard to be optimistic for myself so thank you for the optimism. Thanks for really understanding how hard this whole process is sometimes and how much it wears on your nerves. It’s good to know that there are other people out there that have been through this and are going through it now.

needles Last night I gave myself the last shot for this cycle. The HCG is done and I stared at all the used needles in the box. Today I stayed in bed till 11am and the forced myself to get up. I read birdless’ post about trying to live in the present and not always looking into the future and reminded myself that I also needed to live that way. To think that everything that I’ve been through so far is a waste, is to say that every day of my life is wasteful and that isn’t right. I went to a friend’s house and helped them with their wedding programs this afternoon to get my mind off things. There’s nothing like repetitive work to clear your mind. The cancellation of this IVF cycle now means that we can attend their wedding next weekend so that’s nice.

Living in the present and presently I’m hungry so I’m going to make myself some lunch.

Thanks again everyone.

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Wasted day

I laid around in bed all day and wasted away. I feel so depressed. I don’t want to talk to anyone, including my husband whose eternal optimism is irritating me. I just want to move on from this place. Every time I take one step forward, I feel like I’m taking two steps back. This year has been so much about trying to make a baby that I don’t even have any memories of 2009. It’s all a blur. How long can one keep living like this? I know some people have the determination to keep going and going – but sometimes I just want to give it all up, move away from my friends who have families and live on an island in the middle of nowhere with my cats.

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Went back to the RE today and it’s official. We’re being converted to an IUI. This is a major blow for me. All those stupid shots and all I got was an IUI – we all know that the chances of anything coming of this after 3 failed IUIs is pretty slim. Ironically, my RE had moved me straight to IVF because he felt that doing an injectable cycle in between the Femara/IUI cycles and IVF was a waste of time.

I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. The RE who saw me today saw 1x18mm and 2x17mm follicles. He said if we did a retrieval we would get 3 mature eggs at best, maybe less, and he and the other REs think they can do better, especially when I had 13 antral follicles. They are all on the same page that this should be converted to an IUI. Then he gave me the speech about the possibilities of multiples and I said, yeah whatever. I’ll be lucky if I get pregnant at all, let alone multiples. He fell silent, and my husband mumbled some joke about how his lovely wife can just be so positive sometimes!

This is pretty devastating. I cannot believe IVF was so close and now it’s slipped through my fingers. My next attempt at IVF wouldn’t even start until the end of October because I’ll have to go through another month of pre-IVF BCP prep after I get my period when this one fails. That’s forever away. And I now know that IVF is not that simple. Just like a natural pregnancy, EVERYTHING has to go right to get you to the end goal – first to egg retrieval and then more miracles are required to get you to transfer and then you have to move heaven and earth to get to a positive pregnancy test. It’s no simple task and certainly not the answer to all of my problems.

Tonight I trigger and go in on Monday for the IUI. I know this is horribly negative but this feels like a complete waste of time. Here goes Injectible IUI#1/IUI#4 – not without tears of frustration though. Bleh.

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