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Archive for October, 2009

Ultrasound #2

Ever since I lost my dear cat yesterday I stopped caring that I was pregnant. I know that sounds horrible but him and I, we’ve been together for FOURTEEN years and I don’t even know these guys yet…all I could think about was my poor furry baby. I can’t help feeling this immense guilt, like I had to trade in one of the things I love the most in this world for a chance to be pregnant and all I want is for my kitty to walk back into the house. But I know that won’t happen.

Despite my anguish, the ultrasound today at exactly 8 weeks showed that both babies still have heartbeats and are growing normally. One is at 17mm and 181 hbpm and the other at 15mm and 165 hbpm. And when I saw that I knew that I had to change my attitude and work my way through this huge hole in my life.

I’ve decided to take on some of the ideals of my Buddhist background and believe that my beloved kitty has changed life forces and become one of the lives in my belly. He may be gone in the form that I once knew, but that the cycle of life will bring him back to me in another form. Is that silly? I just miss him so much, I don’t know how else to get through it.

Screen shot 2009-10-26 at 5.53.31 PM

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A sad loss

I had a horrible sad loss today. My dear cat of 14 years was hit by a car and killed this morning. He has been by my side for so long. Through breakups, heartaches, layoffs, infertility. Everything. He IS my baby and always will be. My friends say this is the cycle of life. One life is taken and another one is granted. But right now, I would give anything to have my furry baby back.

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These photos are a little blurry but here they are anyway.

Baby A

Baby A
Baby B

Baby B

…and here’s both of them. She tried to squeeze them into the same view so one of them is squished. It’s the dark circle in the middle and the half circle on the right. I think.

both

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Two

Holy crap! There’s two in there! And most importantly, they both have heartbeats! One is measuring at 9mm (6w6d) with a heart rate of 127 and the other is 12mm (7w1d) with a heart rate of 147. The doctor I saw today was very pleased but of course, cautioned me about the fact that I was still very early and about vanishing twin syndrome. I go back in next week for another check up to see if they are progressing.

It continues to baffle me how we could have gone without getting pregnant for a full year naturally, and then for almost another year with fertility drugs and then all of sudden, bam, two at once. I can’t help but wonder about what it was that made it work this time (and twice as well!) but I guess I will never know the answer. For now, I am just relieved that there is life inside of me. I will post the ultrasound photos soon!

Thanks so much to everyone for all of your warm comments and support. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I do and will continue to follow you all on your journey’s as well.

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I am (im)patiently waiting for Monday afternoon at exactly 3:30pm when I will find out more about the viability of this pregnancy. I was confident that there was something growing in there all of this week because my boobs were about to explode from swelling and the car sick feeling that I’ve been having 24/7…until I read that you can still have symptoms, even if you have a blighted ovum. So I’m obsessed with blighted ovums. I have this fear that the sac is going to be empty and that there’s going to be nothing inside. I’m also worried about an ectopic and that the embryo has just randomly stopped growing. Yesterday I was sick all day, and then all of a sudden yesterday evening I felt strangely better. And also today as well. After a week straight of feeling queasy, all of a suddent I feel fine. WHY???????? Ugh.

Having worked so hard to get to this point, I feel that it is inevitable that I will continue to feel stressed and paranoid – always worried that something has gone wrong and that I will have to start over again. I wish I could be as positive and blissful as my other pregnant friendĀ  (she got pregnant on the first try) but I just can’t get there. It’s going to be day-by-day for me. Every cramp, every twinge, every symptom that comes and goes will be analyzed to death. After so many disappointments month after month, it’s difficult to get excited because of the fear of another disappointment. Maybe I should go see a therapist.

I love my weekends but oh Monday….come quick! I want to get over the first hurdle…

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I remember when kate from infertile myrtle was doing the countdown for her first ultrasound. It’s actually quite agonizing. But I know I’m lucky to be here now and I will endure the wait. Things are normal (I think – but what do I know) so far. The last couple of days, food aversion has set in and I’m having trouble finding anything that I actually want to eat. It’s very strange.

A good friend of mine also just got pregnant…of course on her first try. I am amazed at the difference between the two of us. She’s so in love with pregnancy, so positive, so glowing. She’s even already named the thing. I feel like an old rusty door knob next to her. Partly it’s that I know too much (I started talking about ectopics and blighted ovums and almost burst her bubble). But it’s also because it’s hard to switch gears and go from identifying with being infertile to being pregnant. I still identify with all the ladies out there who are going through their cycles and those are the women that I want to cheer on and talk to and read about. I wonder if the girls out there that were having difficulties getting pregnant but now are, know what I am talking about?

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Beta #2

Got the beta results today and it looks like I’m doing ok so far. Phew. Another hurdle cleared.

beta #2

My first ultrasound has been scheduled for October 19th. Nothing to do but eat (apparently lots of fibrous things), sleep and keep on living my life till then. I’m definitely nervous that it could still be ectopic and I’m nervous that there may be more than one in there. I’m not opposed to twins but…One. Healthy. Singleton. Please.

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