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Archive for the ‘busts’ Category

IVF 0.5

We’ve already hit a hurdle. I went back for the second ultrasound and blood test this morning (day 8 of stims) and things went from not so great to worse. One of the follicles is obviously dominant and is sucking up all the medication. It went from 13mm on Wednesday to 17mm today while the other ones are either the same size or slightly larger. I think there was a 17, a 13, an 11, and a 9. And those are the only ones really worth mentioning. For someone who started with 13 antrafollicles, this is not a great cycle. As the RE said, this is similar to how I reacted in an IUI cycle. My lining was also rather thin I think, at 8mm. Oh, and I should also mention that there is something that looks like a cyst on my left ovary which measures about 11mm, that was not there on Wednesday. The REs that saw me this morning said that they would talk to my main RE but they guessed that he would probably feel that we could do a better stim cycle and that we would convert this cycle to an IUI. Yeah, another dud IUI. UGH! This whole thing is really really just getting on my nerves. I cannot believe this cycle is going to get canceled! My RE will call me later this afternoon after he’s made the final decision. I hope that I get to start the next cycle again right away. I think the cyst will throw a wrench into things though as it’s rather large. But maybe it will magically go away….oh please go away!

If someone could show me a magic ball and I could know that everything was going to be ok in the end, I could get through this without the horrible stress and the disappointment that never seems to go away. But this is getting even more difficult by the day and it’s getting harder to hold it together. Today blows.

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Just as I’d predicted I just got my period. IUI#3 is officially over.

I suppose I knew it wasn’t going to work. But it still sucks really bad. It sucks that I have to go do IVF now. It sucks that we’re already through the 3 IUI’s that we said we were going to do and now we’re down to this. IVF feels like our last chance and it’s hard to face the fact that we have come to this last option. Part of me still wants to do the lap first, just so I could still have IVF left as another option. It seems stupid to fail at IVF and then go back and do a lap.

I feel like such a failure. I can’t stop asking the same question over and over again. WTF is wrong with me?????

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It was negative. Of course. I don’t even know why I bothered. I guess because I’m feeling fat and I want to exercise like a mad woman and I thought I should check to make sure that it’s negative first before I do that. It is only 11dpiui and it is technically like 5pm but lets not even entertain the idea that if it was morning urine it would come up positive. It’s just not possible (I used First Response and it’s supposed to tell you up to 5 days before your expected period. It’s 3 days before my expected period). It’s a bust. I’ve been cramping intermittently – the same usual PMS symptoms – no sore boobs, cramps, tiredness. The only different things this cycle is that I’ve had no CM at all during my LP and I’ve been waking up to pee all the time and can’t sleep, but I think it’s the time difference, temperature difference and the jet lag that are causing the sleep abnormalities.

I guess I’ll just let loose now, start drinking coffee, run more and forget about yet another miserable failure and try to enjoy the rest of my holiday here. IVF up next I guess. Ugh. I just can’t believe it’s come to this. Beyond depressed.

Update: ok so I just noticed that I bought the wrong pregnancy test. I got the FR Rapid Results test instead of the Early Result test and the sensitivity of FR Rapid Results is 100miu of hcg vs. 25miu of hcg for FRER. You’re not supposed to use the FRRR until they day of your missed period. But whatever, I still stand firm that I am not pregnant.

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My husband just made me a $50 bet that it would work this time around. I told him I would take that bet. He said he wanted to double down. I told him I’d be happy to give him $100 if it worked…it’s just that I’m really that sure it’s not going to. After the last busted IUI, my husband and I decided that I should get to do something nice for myself after each failure, so the rule is that I get an all expense paid (courtesy of our joint bank account) facial when I get my period. At least then the first sight of blood on the toilet paper (excuse the graphicness) won’t make me feel completely worthless. If nothing else I will have moist, lovely youthful skin as opposed to my dry, old, barren body with the fertility of which is comparable to that of my 102 year old grandmother-in-law.

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despair
(image as seen on datingoutlook.com)

Yesterday was 14dpiui and I started spotting towards the end of the day. It was hardly anything. And so I had hopes that maybe it was just spotting. This morning, I woke up early with high hopes and walked into the bathroom with a pregnancy test as I would have officially been a day late, only to find that my AF had visited overnight and it was all over. Again.

I just got done crying my eyes out. It’s not so much the fact that it’s been 18 months now and I’m still not pregnant. It’s not so much that everyone else around me is pregnant or has children. It’s just that I want my life back. I want my body back. I want to have control again, or at least feel like I have some level of control over my life again. And I want to know what the FUCK is wrong with me that I can’t get pregnant even when they inject my fucking uterus with 100MM A team sperm. My husband says, it’s ok. He says third time’s the charm. But I think it’s bullshit. If it doesn’t work twice and all the other times we’ve done it naturally, I don’t see how it’s going to work the third time either. Yeah, that’s negative I know. But that’s just how it feels right now.

I’ve been having some chest pains lately. I don’t know if it’s heartburn or anxiety but I’ve been having them on and off since I started taking Femara. I’ve finally made an appt with my General Practitioner to get it checked out. It would be unfortunate if I had a heart attack and died in the process of trying to get pregnant.

I feel terribly depressed today.

Update: I also got rejected from a job today. Barren and unemployable. Ugh.

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IUI#1: FAIL

Yep. It’s a bust. 14dpiui and I was visited by the unwelcome visitor. It’s like groundhog day. Always the 13 day luteal phase! I can’t say that I’m surprised but I can say that I’m starting to feel numb about it all. It’s a waste of energy to feel anything anymore. It doesn’t do me any good. Any emotion that has come up today, I’ve just swallowed it and pushed it far far down where I can’t reach it. But let me rant here for just one second and say, WTF! How can this not work? Just from a purely scientific standpoint…you’ve got 2 presumably somewhat healthy eggs. Ya put the fucking sperm like right up in there – so close to the fucking eggs. How can it not work?! It baffles my mind. Yes, I know there’s timing and the fact that I’m OLD-ish and all that bullshit. But it’s still baffling. Anyway, I called my husband at work and we went out and got a coffee to celebrate this momentous occasion. I didn’t give up coffee for nothing and if I get nothing, then I’m going to enjoy my fucking coffee for one god damn day. And maybe that’s why I am so jazzed up right now!!!!

So there’s my rant. And now back to zen, peace and love. I’m going on vacation and I’ll miss this next IUI cycle. I’m going to ask my doc if I can lay off the drugs for this next month. I just want to be a normal person even if it’s just for one month and not care anymore. I’m going to attempt to start running again and make my jeans fit me once more.

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beach
(image from About.com)

So i’m just in waiting mode. My temps dropped two days in a row, indicating that AF is just around the corner. Stupid, stupid. It never ever gets easier to deal with. Also, whoever keeps telling us infertiles that going on vacation and relaxing helps with conception, it’s a crock of dog shit so stop. I went on vacation during ovulation and it didn’t do jack shit for me. I laid on the beach, just like the one above, and “relaxed” for days. And still my temperatures are going down and I’m still not pregnant. Fucking blows. There’s cycle #14, come and gone bye byes.

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