Archive for the ‘TTC’ Category

Lance Armstrong’s fourth baby was born yesterday and he was named Max Armstrong (cute name). Lance was thought to be sterile because of his cancer treatments which supposedly killed his ability to have children but somehow he knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. His three other children were born via IVF with his ex-wife Kristen.

So you know what I’m going to say here. How the HELL can a supposedly sterile man with a uni-ball (that’s one testicle ladies) knock up a girl, while me and my husband, two supposedly healthy people with normally functioning reproductive organs, struggle to have a child? That’s unexplained infertility for you.

Man. Life can be cruel.


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Fertility Ring

My sister in law presented me with this fertility ring that she wore when she wanted to get pregnant. She’s since then passed it on to three other girls who have all gone on to become pregnant. The ring is a turquoise colored Egyptian scarab beetle. I looked it up on the internet to find out the significance of scarab beetles in ancient Egypt. Scarab beetles were apparently worshipped for their ability to roll dung (a.k.a. SHIT!) and breed in the shit and then eat the shit for food. To summarize in more mythological terms, the scarab beetle was revered for it’s ability to “self-create”. Not sure how fertile that is, but hey poo is fertile right? Horse manure? Used for fertilization? Do you see where I’m going here? It’s too big for me but I’m going to wear it. It doesn’t hurt to try it out and I think it’s good to believe in the powers of the ancient unknown.


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Angry at the world

Last night, my husband told me to stop being so angry. He said, “can’t you be happy again? I hate that you are so angry at the world.” It started because he wants to go camping with a few of our friends. Both couples have children and I don’t want to go. I can’t think of anything worse than going camping with two families. All we’re going to talk about is babies and I can’t stand it and I told him so. But he’s right. I am angry. I’ve always been a little on the aggressive side but I am angry..er than ever before.

Infertility is so unfair, it’s unjust and most people around you don’t understand how small and pointless it makes you feel as a human being. There’s so much frustration that is pent up that you can’t do anything with. There’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at. So sometimes, you just get angry at the world. I don’t like to push friends away or avoid them, but sometimes it’s just easier. It’s simpler to be at home and wallow in your own misery and to not give them opportunities to say stuff to you that piss you off. I avoid some friends more than others because I feel like some of them genuinely care and are supportive. But others, I am starting to hate for being callous and insensitive. So call me angry, call me self absorbed, but that’s where I’m at.

I’m just worried that one day my husband is going to start despising me…for being angry.

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I have the next month off. So of course, me, being unable to “relax”, I start thinking about the possibility of fitting in a lap this cycle.

The thing is…I think I have endometriosis. I have no proof of that except my gut instinct and because I have some of those symptoms that are listed in the websites…severe cramping at times as well as the fact that my mother has it and has had a lap in the past. And the more you read on the web, the relationship between endometriosis and infertility are too close to deny. I’d brought it up with my doctor during our first consultation. He did not recommed at that point that I have a lap. He wanted us to do a few cycles of IUI and then revisit the issue if those failed since he said he’s seen many women with endometriosis get pregnant. So here I am, jumping the gun again only after 1 failed IUI. But fate has it that there are no surgery availability dates during April/May and so I have decided to wait out having a lap until after the 2nd IUI. If that fails, then I’ll have a consultation with the RE to talk about next steps and at that point, as he’d said originally, we’d talk about endometriosis and the possibility of a laparoscopy again. At least that’s what I proposed to my RE and his response…”Sounds like a good plan”. Sometimes I feel like I am writing my own protocol.

Would love to hear from others on their experience with laparoscopy and whether you think it’s worth doing or not.

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CD12: HCG shot

I did it. I gave myself a shot. I just squeeeeeezed the muffin top and stuck the needle in and pushed. It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be. I’d  spent the hour or two before getting all nervous and freaked out about it. But when it was all over and done, it wasn’t all that bad.

I went to see my acupuncturist today and he told me that my body was not doing well. He said I had a lot of blood and liver stagnation likely caused by the drugs. It’s no surprise, as I’ve had headaches every day and am exhausted every day by like 8pm every night. He said he had a good feeling about this one, but I’m done with getting my hopes up. I don’t think it’ll be any different to all the other cycles I’ve had. Except I’m drugged up.

I’m also very annoyed at my RE. I sent him an email asking him about the polyp. He didn’t even come in to see me for my u/s appointment so I figured the least he could do is to respond to my email, no? What kind of “health care” is that?

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yesterday was our first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. a friend asked me if i was excited and i really wasn’t sure. i guess i felt “excited” in the sense that we’re doing something about the issue and being active about it makes me feel better. but then again, who knew that i would have to be paying someone money to help me have a baby?

our doctor was really nice and my husband and i both liked him immediately. he looked at our tests and did a review of our history and said, well what we have here is a case of “unexplained infertility”. in other words, we both look good on paper but the magic just ain’t happenin’. his advice? get started on a dose of 100mg of clomid and then try 3-4 round of IUIs.

we’re now letting the information marinate and are in discussions on when to get started on the IUIs. my friend who is a naturopathic doctor told me to do all my tests (and find out that we’re both fine) and then just forget about it for 6 months. SIX MONTHS! thinking about all this actually really stressed me out last night. i can’t imagine another year going by without successfully getting pregnant, so trying again naturally for another six months seems impossible. i think it will break me. some of my friends will start trying for their second kids this year and others will get married this year and have a baby before me. even though i’m happy for everyone who gets to have a baby, every time i’m told that someone else is newly pregnant, it kills me inside – because life is not fair and i’m not sure why it’s not happening for me.

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the real story

so i got my house guest to tell all last night and it was really good for us. i think this christmas could be nice after all. she’s a very private person so naturally it was hard for her to tell me but when i told her that we were having problems conceiving she broke down and gave me her story. she and her husband tried for a year, went to the doctor and found out they have male fertility issues. over the next year, she had eggs extracted twice and after 30 eggs over two surgeries, they only came up with one high quality embryo. they crossed their fingers and put the sucker back in and it stuck and they are finally pregnant! she said, had it been 10 years ago, they would surely not have been able to have a biological child with the issues they had. one of the more difficult things for her to accept was that she was perfectly healthy and fertile, but as the carrier of the baby and a husband with male infertility, it was she as the woman, who had to endure the drugs and hardship on her body to have a child. as hard as it is for me to not have been able to get pregnant this year, i fully appreciate and admire the truly courageous battle this woman went through to have a biological child. Now knowing what she went through, i feel good about her being at my house for christmas and being able to celebrate her victory over infertility with her. i also feel lucky that i have finally got someone that i can talk to about this stuff who understands how it can feel to fight through this stuff…from experience. i’m only starting on this journey and i don’t know how long it’s going to take me and how far i’ll have to go to get this baby but i’m ready to fight and do whatever it takes.

i want to congratulate all the women out there who are ttc for another year of staying strong and fighting for something you want badly and wish you all the best for the holidays and for the new year. if you’ve had a rough year in 2008, keep your head up, take another giant step forward, move on and turn over a new leaf. it’s a new year and a new start. lets all hope for the very best in 2009. i know i do….

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