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Posts Tagged ‘TTC’

Celine – Part 2

Yeah I know I said I might quit. But I haven’t figured it out yet and I’m still here. I hope you don’t mind.

I read yesterday in the tabloids that Celine Dion is no longer pregnant with her frozen embryos. The articles that came out about it were a reminder of how little people understand the hurt of infertility. Take Perez Hilton for example. His comments on it were:

“Maybe 3rd time’s a charm – or adopt!!!
We’re sure they’re some long-haired French Canadian kiddies in need of a good home!”

The last thing a woman with infertility issues needs, is to be told that they should ADOPT! So fucking insensitive! And what the fuck is the fertility doctor doing announcing Celine’s pregnancy and then announcing that it never took. He also announced that her and her husband would be traveling to NY this weekend to attempt another transfer. While on one hand, it’s about time that a celebrity owned up to having infertility treatments instead of being ashamed and lying about it, I sure hope that she gave the blabber mouth doctor permission to release this information because every woman also has the right to her privacy.

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Two

Holy crap! There’s two in there! And most importantly, they both have heartbeats! One is measuring at 9mm (6w6d) with a heart rate of 127 and the other is 12mm (7w1d) with a heart rate of 147. The doctor I saw today was very pleased but of course, cautioned me about the fact that I was still very early and about vanishing twin syndrome. I go back in next week for another check up to see if they are progressing.

It continues to baffle me how we could have gone without getting pregnant for a full year naturally, and then for almost another year with fertility drugs and then all of sudden, bam, two at once. I can’t help but wonder about what it was that made it work this time (and twice as well!) but I guess I will never know the answer. For now, I am just relieved that there is life inside of me. I will post the ultrasound photos soon!

Thanks so much to everyone for all of your warm comments and support. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I do and will continue to follow you all on your journey’s as well.

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I remember when kate from infertile myrtle was doing the countdown for her first ultrasound. It’s actually quite agonizing. But I know I’m lucky to be here now and I will endure the wait. Things are normal (I think – but what do I know) so far. The last couple of days, food aversion has set in and I’m having trouble finding anything that I actually want to eat. It’s very strange.

A good friend of mine also just got pregnant…of course on her first try. I am amazed at the difference between the two of us. She’s so in love with pregnancy, so positive, so glowing. She’s even already named the thing. I feel like an old rusty door knob next to her. Partly it’s that I know too much (I started talking about ectopics and blighted ovums and almost burst her bubble). But it’s also because it’s hard to switch gears and go from identifying with being infertile to being pregnant. I still identify with all the ladies out there who are going through their cycles and those are the women that I want to cheer on and talk to and read about. I wonder if the girls out there that were having difficulties getting pregnant but now are, know what I am talking about?

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My nurse heard my panicked message and called me back this morning and asked me are you still cramping and bleeding? I was lucky to be able to answer, no. Well, technically I’m bleeding but…ok here goes the TMI. I have hemmorrhoids. I’ve gotten it once before and it looks like I have it again…and it’s bleeding red blood. I finally figured it out later this morning when the same thing happened and I saw drops of blood in my urine. Wiped the front – nothing. Tried wiping the back and saw bright red blood. I don’t want to celebrate having a hemmy but I am fucking stoked that it’s not coming out of the other hole. The nurse advised me to drink a ton of water (helps with cramping) and not to panic as my first beta number was strong. I did just that and I’ve had a relatively cramp free day and in fact I’d go as far as saying I feel great. But I’m paranoid that I feel too good though. The nurse moved my second beta up to tomorrow morning to help alleviate my stress, so at least I’ll get some reassurance (or bad news) tomorrow…

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It’s only been 2 days since I got the BFP and I already feel it slipping through my fingers. I’ve been cramping quite a bit the last day or so and last night I woke up in the middle of the night having to pee and with cramps. The next time I got up to pee at 5am, there were drops of blood in the toilet bowl with drops of red blood when I wiped. My boobs are less sore this morning too. All of this is a bad sign I’m sure. I’m trying to take it all in stride. It’s only been 2 days so my attachment level is low but it’s shitty to be in fear like this, especially when you’ve waited so long to get to this point. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom because I’m afraid to see more blood.

Ultimately though, my end goal is a healthy baby so if it’s not healthy and can’t get through the first week then it’s just not meant to be. I suppose I will call the clinic today and see if they want me to do anything. I don’t really know what to do with myself.

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I didn’t do jack shit at work today. How could I? I was completely distracted by other new developments in my life. I snuck out of work to go get a blood test to confirm whether or not the pee stick was lying to me. My IVF nurse called me and said my beta was at 382. She said anything above 100 is good. She was also the one that was trying to unsuccessfully console me when this IVF cycle was canceled. She laughed and said, what did I tell you? Converted IVF cycles CAN result in pregnancy! But I’m still nervous and I should be.

My next blood test is on Friday. I’m surprised they don’t want me to go in on Wednesday. I’m kind of bummed that I have to wait four days to confirm whether this is still a viable pregnancy at that time. But I’ve done enough waiting. What’s another 4 days right?

Someone asked me about symptoms. Nothing in particular that strikes me as odd. I have cramps, I have boobs that are sore sometimes and sometimes not. Heavy full feeling in the belly. I love olives, not loving chocolate so much right now. It feels EXACTLY like I’m getting my period. In fact, as I sit here typing, I’m still wondering if I’m about to get it. I’m trying to figure out what made the IUI work this time that didn’t work the other times. I did have that hysteroscopy to remove the polyps in August and this is the first IUI since then. This is also the first time that I’ve done injectables and a trigger shot with an IUI. This is also the first time I used progesterone suppositories. We also had shingles (me) and chicken pox (husband) although I’m sure that has absolutely nothing to do with it. I am convinced that all of this is completely crazy and random.

We’re not completely out of the woods yet and won’t be for a while. My husband and I have decided that if something doesn’t work out with this pregnancy, at least this is a step forward in that we know we can get pregnant. This is the farthest we’ve ever gotten and for that I’m truly grateful.

Thanks for all the support ladies….

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Went back to the RE today and it’s official. We’re being converted to an IUI. This is a major blow for me. All those stupid shots and all I got was an IUI – we all know that the chances of anything coming of this after 3 failed IUIs is pretty slim. Ironically, my RE had moved me straight to IVF because he felt that doing an injectable cycle in between the Femara/IUI cycles and IVF was a waste of time.

I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. The RE who saw me today saw 1x18mm and 2x17mm follicles. He said if we did a retrieval we would get 3 mature eggs at best, maybe less, and he and the other REs think they can do better, especially when I had 13 antral follicles. They are all on the same page that this should be converted to an IUI. Then he gave me the speech about the possibilities of multiples and I said, yeah whatever. I’ll be lucky if I get pregnant at all, let alone multiples. He fell silent, and my husband mumbled some joke about how his lovely wife can just be so positive sometimes!

This is pretty devastating. I cannot believe IVF was so close and now it’s slipped through my fingers. My next attempt at IVF wouldn’t even start until the end of October because I’ll have to go through another month of pre-IVF BCP prep after I get my period when this one fails. That’s forever away. And I now know that IVF is not that simple. Just like a natural pregnancy, EVERYTHING has to go right to get you to the end goal – first to egg retrieval and then more miracles are required to get you to transfer and then you have to move heaven and earth to get to a positive pregnancy test. It’s no simple task and certainly not the answer to all of my problems.

Tonight I trigger and go in on Monday for the IUI. I know this is horribly negative but this feels like a complete waste of time. Here goes Injectible IUI#1/IUI#4 – not without tears of frustration though. Bleh.

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