(image as seen on Declutter Your House)
IVF information session: Check.
Saline Sonogram on uterus: this Thursday.
Blood test for diseases (me): later this week.
Husband’s SA for morphology: later this week.
Antibiotics and BCPs for IVF cycle: coordinator will call in prescription tomorrow.
I’m hoping by the end of the week, we’ll be done with the remainder of our check list. The IVF coordinator called me today and said that assuming my saline sonogram comes out ok, I will get my protocol soon and go on birth control pills for a few weeks and antibiotics for 10 days before I start stims. That means I could be starting the process as early as August which is cool, I guess. On the other hand, at one of my first ultrasounds, I was told that I had a polyp in my uterus that was around 5mm – so very small. The RE had said at the time that this was not a big issue so I’m just hoping that it has stayed very small and isn’t bigger than we think it is.
Things have been a little tough with my husband lately. I feel very disconnected from him. Part of it is that I am feeling disconnected from everyone in my life just because I’ve been depressed and unhappy. But we are supposed to be a team, and we are supposed to be going through this together…except it feels so lonely sometimes. As hard as he tries to understand, there is a huge crevasse between us. It’s the hormones, yes, but it’s also the silent anger that I have that I am the one that has to physically suffer through all of this. My brain knows this is unfair. But my heart won’t listen. I’m bitter. I don’t think he’ll ever get what it feels like to not be able to do what you’re supposed to do as a female and how bad I feel that I can’t provide us with a child. Or how everything in my life has dropped to the sidelines and I’ve become sucked into the infertility vortex and can’t get out. And how desperately I want this all to be over with.
Yesterday we got in an argument because he said that if we have the option of transferring two vs. one embryo, he only wants to do one at a time because he doesn’t want twins. I almost lost my shit. How many times does he think I’m going to do this? I also, would prefer not to have twins, but given the option for two vs one embryo transfer, there’s no chance that I’m going to do one at a time. I want to maximize the chances of pregnancy so I minimize having to do IVF over and over again and if we get twins out of this, then so be it. Beggers cannot be choosers and at this point, clearly we are in the “begger” category.
We’re lucky that IVF is an option for us, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed and it’s hard to get excited right now.