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Archive for the ‘infertility’ Category

Lance Armstrong’s fourth baby was born yesterday and he was named Max Armstrong (cute name). Lance was thought to be sterile because of his cancer treatments which supposedly killed his ability to have children but somehow he knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. His three other children were born via IVF with his ex-wife Kristen.

So you know what I’m going to say here. How the HELL can a supposedly sterile man with a uni-ball (that’s one testicle ladies) knock up a girl, while me and my husband, two supposedly healthy people with normally functioning reproductive organs, struggle to have a child? That’s unexplained infertility for you.

Man. Life can be cruel.

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despair
(image as seen on datingoutlook.com)

Yesterday was 14dpiui and I started spotting towards the end of the day. It was hardly anything. And so I had hopes that maybe it was just spotting. This morning, I woke up early with high hopes and walked into the bathroom with a pregnancy test as I would have officially been a day late, only to find that my AF had visited overnight and it was all over. Again.

I just got done crying my eyes out. It’s not so much the fact that it’s been 18 months now and I’m still not pregnant. It’s not so much that everyone else around me is pregnant or has children. It’s just that I want my life back. I want my body back. I want to have control again, or at least feel like I have some level of control over my life again. And I want to know what the FUCK is wrong with me that I can’t get pregnant even when they inject my fucking uterus with 100MM A team sperm. My husband says, it’s ok. He says third time’s the charm. But I think it’s bullshit. If it doesn’t work twice and all the other times we’ve done it naturally, I don’t see how it’s going to work the third time either. Yeah, that’s negative I know. But that’s just how it feels right now.

I’ve been having some chest pains lately. I don’t know if it’s heartburn or anxiety but I’ve been having them on and off since I started taking Femara. I’ve finally made an appt with my General Practitioner to get it checked out. It would be unfortunate if I had a heart attack and died in the process of trying to get pregnant.

I feel terribly depressed today.

Update: I also got rejected from a job today. Barren and unemployable. Ugh.

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Rough Day

Two friends called me today to tell me they were pregnant. TWO in one day!!!! I guess I lied about not caring anymore because after I overreacted on the phone, congratulating them and asking them how they felt, and telling them how excited I was for them, I bawled my eyes out. I’m starting to feel like I did something bad or wrong to deserve this horrible infertility. 2009 has been a shitty year so far with continued infertlity and job loss, and it doesn’t seem to be turning around any time soon. One interesting note though ladies. Both girls that called me had some issues and had laproscopy to remove ovarian cysts. After removal of those cysts, they both became pregnant within 2 months…naturally. Does that say something about getting a lap and having a “clean slate” to work with? I’m not sure. But it sure seemed convincing to me. Meanwhile I’m at 12dpiui today and I have some vigorous pre-menstrual cramps. Fucker.

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IUI#2: 10dpiui

The cramps have come on. It means only one thing! Stupid period is around the corner. I do think I have turned a corner though in my whole infertility stuff. I care less. There. I said it. I don’t know why but I’m tired of caring anymore. I’m just going through the motions of doing this infertility treatment and am starting to feel indifferent. Yeah yeah, I want a baby. But I also want a new job. And I also want to be a nice, friendly wife and a happy person, and being a psycho over my infertility is making me really really unhappy. I ate a lot of salty shit yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. My body is bloating and getting ready to start the cycle over again I’m sure.

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unemployment rocks

It turns out that unemployment (when you have a severance package) rocks. Don’t get me wrong. I have been busy every single day. But I’m busy with things that I want to be doing and that’s why unemployment is so awesome. I am a happy camper these days and my husband has noticed it saying, “you are less bitchy than you usually are”, a compliment! ha!

That being said, I have certainly turned on the job seeking switch and am in full swing at the moment and having a baby has definitely taken a little bit of a back seat in my list of priorities (no money = no baby). In fact I have a phone interview in about 50 minutes. But I still find time to meet friends for lunch, go to the museum and that part is really nice. Infertility takes your life away from you by preventing you from always being able to eat what you want, drink what you want, exercise the way you want to. In a strange way, by being unemployed, I feel like I own my life again and that’s nice.

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Fertility Ring

My sister in law presented me with this fertility ring that she wore when she wanted to get pregnant. She’s since then passed it on to three other girls who have all gone on to become pregnant. The ring is a turquoise colored Egyptian scarab beetle. I looked it up on the internet to find out the significance of scarab beetles in ancient Egypt. Scarab beetles were apparently worshipped for their ability to roll dung (a.k.a. SHIT!) and breed in the shit and then eat the shit for food. To summarize in more mythological terms, the scarab beetle was revered for it’s ability to “self-create”. Not sure how fertile that is, but hey poo is fertile right? Horse manure? Used for fertilization? Do you see where I’m going here? It’s too big for me but I’m going to wear it. It doesn’t hurt to try it out and I think it’s good to believe in the powers of the ancient unknown.

photo

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Angry at the world

Last night, my husband told me to stop being so angry. He said, “can’t you be happy again? I hate that you are so angry at the world.” It started because he wants to go camping with a few of our friends. Both couples have children and I don’t want to go. I can’t think of anything worse than going camping with two families. All we’re going to talk about is babies and I can’t stand it and I told him so. But he’s right. I am angry. I’ve always been a little on the aggressive side but I am angry..er than ever before.

Infertility is so unfair, it’s unjust and most people around you don’t understand how small and pointless it makes you feel as a human being. There’s so much frustration that is pent up that you can’t do anything with. There’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at. So sometimes, you just get angry at the world. I don’t like to push friends away or avoid them, but sometimes it’s just easier. It’s simpler to be at home and wallow in your own misery and to not give them opportunities to say stuff to you that piss you off. I avoid some friends more than others because I feel like some of them genuinely care and are supportive. But others, I am starting to hate for being callous and insensitive. So call me angry, call me self absorbed, but that’s where I’m at.

I’m just worried that one day my husband is going to start despising me…for being angry.

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